I am the President

On January 31, 2016–the day before the Iowa Caucus–I was teaching my 7th period class. I commented to the kids that sometimes it seems like we spend two years teaching them to walk and talk and the next sixteen years teaching them to sit down and shut up. They laughed and one said, “Why aren’t you the president?” From that moment, the ball was rolling.

Since I hadn’t declared my official nomination, I watched both the Republican and Democratic caucuses. I didn’t win either one and the reason was obvious: fix. From there, the fix was in. I didn’t any primary, I didn’t win an Emmy, I didn’t win an Oscar or a Grammy or a Tony. Fix, fix, fix.

The people wanted me, but the system kept dragging me down. I shared my tax returns and my emails, which the people didn’t even care about. All they knew was that I am a great man, and that I should be president.

On election night, I won a heck of a lot states, but the fix was in. The establishment media wanted an establishment rich guy. Who could they get? They got my twin: Donald Trump. We’re the same guy: stable geniuses with hot wives and questionable hair. I won the presidency but they replaced me with my twin.

Fix, Fix, Fix.

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